5 Replacements for Scary Moochie That Will Make All This Trump ‘Winning’ Even More Hilarious

That didn’t take long. Anthony Scaramucci is out as White House Communications Director. He lasted 11 days. SNL didn’t even have time to cast him. Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised. His first official action as comms director was accusing Steve Bannon of autofellatio. Your post-modern White House, ladies and gentlemen.

It doesn’t matter who Trump picks next. Anybody will make a better comms director than Scaramucci. And I do mean anybody. Here are a few of the top contenders.

Gary Busey

Actor Gary Busey is in no way qualified for a top-level position with the United States government. And that makes the Trump administration a perfect fit.

Scott Baio

Chachi is somewhere between Dean Cain and Mario Lopez on the list of celebrities we remember but assume died of a heroin overdose in the late 90s. He’s famous, kind of, but not famous enough to make Donald Trump feel insecure. His best work to date is Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2, where he worked alongside fellow Hollywood conservative Jon Voight—who might make a good Secretary of the Interior, or something.

Flo From Progressive

In line with the Trump administration’s penchant for hiring staffers from corporate America, Flo from the Progressive Auto Insurance commercials would bring a level of class to the White House it has not yet achieved. She has a better chance than most. One day Trump will be watching Fox News when one of her commercials comes on. He’ll pick up the phone. He’ll call the Progressive hotline, and demand he speak with “the hot piece of pussy that just tried to sell me car insurance.”

Frederick Douglas

Donald Trump is a great admirer of Mr. Douglas and has paid close attention to the work he’s been doing. Mr. Douglas is being recognized more and more and would make a fine addition to the team.

A Russian Nesting Doll

I have saved the obvious choice for last. An antique Russian nesting doll is a perfect candidate because inanimate objects seem to handle Mr. Trump’s managerial style better than people. It’s a politically savvy move, too. The hiring of a Russian-made cluster of wooden dolls will attract the attention of Congressional Democrats, who will no doubt seek public testimony from each one in turn. Because the dolls literally can not open their stupid fucking mouths, they will likely perform better than other top Trump administration officials who have been called in to testify.

Featured image via YouTube screengrab,

Timothy Bertrand is an author and journalist from Houston, Texas. He is the Associate Editor at Reverb Press and splits his time between covering breaking news and penning thoughtful literary essays.