10 Reasons Why Trump’s CONvention Was Already A Trainwreck Even Before Duh Donald’s Speech
The RNC Has Been A Disaster…And Trump Hasn’t Even Made His Address
Reince Priebus must be longing for the days when the only thing he had to worry about at a Republican National Convention was a cranky senile actor talking to furniture on live television. Three-quarters of the way through the 2016 version of America’s four-day homage to dysfunction, the “Trumpster Fire” has been nothing short of a trainwreck — destroying any chance at GOP unity and embarrassing the party even more than their “I have a bigger dick” debate in the primary season. Since history may eventually record this week as the beginning of the end of the Republican Party (and good riddance!), here’s an early look at the reasons why this convention will live in infamy…
The Platform Was Borrowed From The Salem Witch Trials
A party’s platform is usually one of the most over-rated, yet quickly forgotten aspects of any political convention. It’s nothing more than an affirmation of what the public already knows about your party: Taxes Bad, Bombs Good. But with the stunning and rapid rise of LGBT equality over the better part of the decade, the Republicans felt the need to dial their stated goals back to the early days of the European settlement on this continent, as former GOP Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman’s former advisor tells Time:
It designates pornography a “public health crisis,” because masturbation is a transcendent threat to American wellness that obviously must be addressed.
It supports so-called sexual conversion therapy for minors, even as every mainstream mental health and medical organization discredited the repugnant practice decades earlier.
It marks children reared in a “traditional two-parent household” as inherently superior to those reared outside the Leave It to Beaver dynamic, even as reputable science demonstrates otherwise.
Republicans contradicting science? Who ever would have guessed?
The Sexist Schwag
Look, you’re going to find enough anti-Donald Trump paraphernalia in Philadelphia next week to bedazzle both sides of his wall. It comes with the territory at any convention. One would think that something so commonplace wouldn’t register as a story. But yet to the surprise of few, the Republicans have found a way to make it one. The same party that was hawking pins that read “If Obama is President, can we still call it The White House” in 2008 has gone back to the bottom of the barrel to hawk blatantly sexist anti-Hillary Clinton merchandise in Cleveland:
— Peter Beinart (@PeterBeinart) July 19, 2016
But when you nominate a well-known misogynist, the basic tenets of capitalism predict these elementary-school-level trinkets will have unscrupulous vendors swimming in cash.
That Underwear Model Who Thinks Obama Is A Muslim
Like many Americans, my high school yearbook featured pop culture polls where our graduating class chose a favorite athlete or musician, or named the biggest problem facing the world. Antonio Sabato Jr. won the class poll for “Hottest Actor”. I graduated high school in 1995. That’s the type of relevancy that the Trump campaign has rolled out at this convention: washed up D-Listers. Sabato could have spared Trump anymore embarrassment than he already faced for inviting the Italian-born actor to speak by simply showing up, spouting off about stars, stripes and bald eagles and quickly driving away in his IROC-Z. Instead, he reminded all of America that Donald Trump was the driving force behind the overtly racist birther movement by telling ABC News that President Obama was a Muslim:
Actor, former underwear model and reality show star Antonio Sabato Jr. — who stumped for Donald Trump on the floor of the Republican National Convention Monday — told ABC News that he “absolutely” believes President Barack Obama is a Muslim. “We had a Muslim president for 7 1/2 years,” Sabato said. “I don’t believe he is [a Christian].”
I’ve always found it ironic that the people who lambasted President Obama eight years ago for attending Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s Trinity University of Christ are the same individuals that insist that the President is a Muslim. But then again, this is why he LOVES THE POORLY EDUCATED!
Chachi Loves Donny
Sabato wasn’t the only relic from the dark days of Aquanet, VHS and DeBarge that Trump dug up for the shitshow. He chose Scott Baio, of “Charles in Charge” and “Jonie Loves Chachi” fame to deliver a primetime address on religion and patriotism. Oblivious to the fact that Baio had recently shared a meme calling Clinton the C-Word, Chachi’s “morning after publicity tour” didn’t go well:
MSNBC’s Tamron Hall completely eviscerated Baio the day after his speech tanked, and the has-been struggled mightily to defend himself, offering up some of the more pathetic excuses you’ll ever hear on live television, all the while adding to the narrative that Trump orchestrated yet another disaster.
The Little Dictator Gets Unhinged
If it’s the summer of a presidential election year, we’re guaranteed two things:
- Getting browbeaten with pre-cut “Feel Good” Olympic stories.
- Rudy Giuliani lecturing us on our imminent violent demise.
2016 has been no different, except for the fact that this time, Giuliani was either on some heavy drugs, or he recently stopped taking them. With his extremities gyrating and spit shooting out of his mouth in every direction, one clever facebook user put the words we heard in our head against the images we were watching on our screen, and don’t lie — this is exactly what you were thinking:
Speaking Of Which, What Was Up With Laura Ingraham?
Yeah, this happened:
— Artzthings (@Artzthings) July 21, 2016
It’s not hard to find a still image of any politician making what looks like a Nazi salute. Literally, anybody. But please just look at Laura Ingraham here. I know we often see what we want to see, and this campaign has been kissing cousins with Neo-Nazis and White Supremacists since it launched. But Come On. Here it is in live-motion:
The Devil Is In The Details
I’ve been waiting a long time for somebody to explain Dr. Ben Carson’s candidacy to me. I can understand why just about every person in history who sought the Presidency believed they were qualified. But Gentle Ben? He performed brain surgery and loves Jesus? That’s the bar we’re setting? So I was anxiously awaiting his Tuesday night speech at the RNC, hoping to learn much more about him than my independent research and debate viewing yielded.
I’m more confused than ever now.
— VANITY FAIR (@VanityFair) July 20, 2016
Carson, going completely off script, told the nation why Clinton was not qualified to be President. And for once, it had nothing to do with Benghazi:
“One of the things that I have learned about Hillary Clinton is that one of her heroes, her mentors was Saul Alinsky,” he said about Alinsky, who is known as the founder of community organizing. “And her senior thesis was about Saul Alinsky. This was someone that she greatly admired. “Let me tell you something about Saul Alinsky. He wrote a book called Rules for Radicals. On the dedication page, it acknowledges Lucifer, the original radical who gained his own kingdom.” He continued. “Now think about that,” he said. “Are we willing to elect someone as president who has as their role model somebody who acknowledges Lucifer?”
Sadly, it was one of the more rational speeches of the convention.
They Chose This Guy To Talk About Prosecution
Really, could Donald Trump have teed it up any better for Hillary Clinton than asking Chris Christie to “prosecute” the “case against Hillary Clinton? Half of his brain trust is under indictment, federal investigation or has already plead guilty to charges stemming from the New Jersey Governor’s “Bridgegate” scandal. The presumptive Democratic nominee wasted no time in exploiting Trump’s generosity:
And this is a guy who repeatedly said he’d never let the enemy know what he was willing to do?
Michelle, Ma Belle
The one guaranteed softball of any convention is the spouse’s speech. With the mainstream press normally reluctant to be hyper critical of a political spouse — especially one not engrained in the campaign’s policy — the threshold for what’s considered an acceptable speech couldn’t be much lower. Unless that is, you blatantly plagiarize a woman that your base has been constantly demeaning for suggesting their kids eat fruit and exercise.
Needless to say, Melania Trump’s Michelle Obama impersonation made social media explode:
— ✯bennydiego✯ (@bennydiego) July 21, 2016
They Weren’t Boos, They Were Saying Cruuuuuuuz
Finally, the goal of every single political convention in American history is to unite the party moving forward towards November’s election. Just when it looked like that might be happening for the Republicans after their longest and most contentious primary in almost forty years, Ted Cruz went all Zodiac on Donald Trump:
The good news for the Trump campaign is that Cruz’s outright refusal to endorse him took the spotlight away from the humiliating scandal plaguing Melania since her Night One speech. The bad news, however, is that it ensures the lack of party unity and Cruz’s assumption that Trump is toast come November will be the top story coming out Cleveland.
It’s hard to argue against the fact that the first three days of the RNC have been far worse for the Trump campaign than anybody ever could have imagined (and we imagined it would be pretty bad). It’s been so bad for the campaign that the nominee’s own acceptance speech is all but guaranteed to be overshadowed by the continual displays of incompetence, ineptitude and incomprehension.
In short: it’s been everything a reasonable person could have hoped it would be, and more!