GOP Pushing $23B In Food Stamp Cuts, Because Eating Is A Privilege (VIDEO)

GOP Pushing $23B In Food Stamp Cuts, Because Eating Is A Privilege (VIDEO)

Nothing Gets The GOP’s Mojo Flowing Harder Than Gutting Food Stamp Spending

If gutting food stamp “entitlements” and screwing the poor gives you an erection lasting more than four hours, consult a doctor (or at least a dentist who murders lions), because you’re definitely also a Tea Party asshat.

In a move that’s as shocking as it is meaningful (and by that, we mean it isn’t either of those things), House Republicans are dishing up a few Viagra pills to their fellow legislators in the Tea Party in the form of $23 billion in cuts to food stamp spending, amid $170 billion in other terrible cuts, in the hopes of steering them toward agreeing with their terrible ten-year budget plan. Fiscally hurting the poor? to America’s right-wing, It’s boner-time.

If you’re a conservative, and you read “$170 billion in cuts” and worried that they might be touching military spending — first, don’t be an idiot, these are Republicans we’re talking about — but have no fear: we’ll still be buying weapons costing more than any of our soldiers earn in their lifetimes, so they can be used to kill brown people on the other side of the planet for the oil they happen to live near.

The GOP’s $170 billion budget cut plan hasn’t been fully released yet, but rest assured, it will probably follow the same path every Republican budget cut plan has followed in the past few decades: gut “entitlements” that help the poor survive all the other terrible GOP policies our country has been forced to endure, while utterly ignoring overzealous military spending (like the mass-production of tanks and other equipment the Pentagon doesn’t want and doesn’t need).

Of course, if the GOP really wanted the government to pick up $170 billion without touching the military, they could get it by simply shutting down corporate tax breaks and making corporations pay their fair share, though I suppose that isn’t nearly as fun as gut-punching Americans living in poverty. Wait, did I say $170 billion? Whoopsie! I meant $180 billion. I was almost as bad at math there as a republican… that was a close call!

Then again, corporations are really good at holding America hostage, threatening to take their business elsewhere, and both Republicans and Democrats alike are scared shitless at that prospect, while utterly ignoring the fact that America has one of the strongest consumer markets in the world, and a corporation would be screwing themselves over big-time by doing that. So maybe my plan wouldn’t work so good.

So if we can’t touch the military, and we sure as hell can’t force corporations to pay their taxes, how else can we raise $170 billion? Better get my ass-kicking goulashes on, it’s time to take the poor out back and… wait! Rich people! I almost forgot about them!

The average tax rate on America’s wealthy in the 1980’s — you know, that decade when Ronald Reagan was president — was around 50 percent (throughout most of his presidency, anyway). Today, under President Obama, it’s down to 39.6 percent (though America’s wealthiest 400 citizens only pay an effective tax rate of around 22.89 percent, which is a smaller tax rate than what’s paid by a person who earns $38k per year… because America). So if we simply restored conservative hero Ronald Reagan’s tax rates from most of the 80’s, when he repeatedly raised taxes, we’d make up that gap in no time, without having to screw the poor.

You know what? Forget everything I said in this article. See, I was foolishly trying to find viable, common-sense solutions to lowering our budget spending and raising revenue, solutions that would be dramatically more effective than laying waste to food stamp spending and other “entitlements” that actually generate more economic stimulation than they cost us. Solutions based on facts, rather than hyperbole and utter nonsense. I apparently left out the most quintessential element of any GOP budget plan: hating poor people for their poverty alone. My bad, America… my bad.

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The GOP doesn’t want to cut food stamp spending and other programs that benefit the poor to save money. They aren’t doing it to reduce our national debt, or even to balance our budget, either. Obama already balanced the budget, though the only thing worse to a Republican than helping a poor person is giving credit to a black person.

No, the real reason the GOP wants these cuts is quite simply this: they’ve been sniffing their own farts for the past forty years, feeding off their mantra that everyone in America should “pick themselves up by their bootstraps,” work hard, and become millionaires through their own blood, sweat, and tears. It must be nice believing in that fantasy. But the rest of us? We live in the real world. And in the real world, some people need food stamps so they and their children can survive.

WATCH: Republicans Pushing To Cut Food Stamps

Featured photo courtesy of Justin Sullivan/ Getty News

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Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots