Fanatical Trump Advisor: 'God has given Trump authority to take out Kim Jong Un'

Fanatical Trump Adviser: ‘God has Given Trump Authority to Take Out Kim Jong Un’

Fanatical Trump Adviser Robert Jeffress: Trump Killing Kim Jong Un? God’s Okay With That

I’d like to paraphrase and amend a Mario Cuomo quote, If I may: When Abraham Lincoln prayed, he talked to God. When George W. Bush prayed, God talked to him. And Donald Trump? He’s pretty confident he is God, so he just prays to himself.

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And apparently, so too does Trump Adviser, Texas Megachurch zealot, and perpetual Mr. Rogers cosplayer Robert Jeffress, who claimed in a recent phone interview that “President” Donald Trump is apparently carrying out a mission at the behest of God. And no, it isn’t related to making women feel uncomfortable.

“When it comes to how we should deal with evildoers, the Bible, in the book of Romans, is very clear: God has endowed rulers full power to use whatever means necessary — including war — to stop evil. In the case of North Korea, God has given Trump authority to take out Kim Jong Un.”

Don’t adjust your computer screens or smart phones, folks. You read that correctly. According to Pastor Robert Jeffress, God is totally cool with Trump killing Kim Jong Un however he sees fit. And when we say “however he sees fit,” we mean to say Jeffress isn’t messing around.

“[Romans] gives the government the authority to do whatever, whether it’s assassination, capital punishment or evil punishment to quell the actions of evildoers like Kim Jong Un.”

Given all the articles and naughty jokes I’ve written over the years, I’m quite confident I couldn’t walk into a church without bursting into flames, so perhaps I’m not the best person to ask about matters of religion. But one thing I do know is that Jesus Christ wasn’t all too keen on ultra-violence, apart from that time he went all Bruce Willis and kicked over that table belonging to the banker guys. I think I’m getting that right… right?

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I’m certainly not an authority on Christian beliefs by any means, but I’m pretty sure God wouldn’t be okay with Donald Trump unleashing nuclear hellfire on every man, woman, and child in North Korea. I’m also pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t be all that keen on Robert Jeffress’ mega-church having a $130 million campus while the city of Dallas has nearly 4,000 homeless people wandering its streets. The average house in Dallas is valued by Zillow at around $166,100. Wouldn’t Jesus have preferred Jeffress spend that money buying houses for 782 of those individuals? And hey, maybe you could put three or four people together per house and get all of them off the streets? Just an idea. But hey, what do I know about Christianity? I’m sure there’s a line in there where Jesus said something akin to “Whoever dies with the most toys, wins.” Sorry… I digress.

Robert Jeffress, who apparently missed the whole point Trump was trying to make with his recent “Fire and fury” quote, apparently hasn’t been paying attention to the news as closely as he’d like to tell himself.

“People instinctively know that this president is not going to draw an imaginary red line and walk around it like President Obama did.”

Except Trump did draw that imaginary red line, and Kim Jong Un gleefully skipped over it almost immediately thereafter, issuing a very direct threat to nuke Guam. Thankfully, Trump’s supporters are too busy shouting “MURKA!” to acknowledge the hypocrisy of all their bullshit “red line” posturing from earlier this year.

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I consider Robert Jeffress to be an authority on Christianity about as much as I consider Justin Bieber to be an authority on rock music. But it should still be pretty disconcerting that Trump surrounds himself with these slimy snake oil megachurch pastors. And that Jeffress is considered a trusted adviser to Trump, and that Trump might actually listen when Jeffress turns into Evil Ned Flanders and attempts to coax him into bringing about Armageddon? I was already an insomniac before this administration rolled around. Now I have even fewer reasons to sleep soundly at night.

Featured image courtesy of Olivier Douliery-Pool via Getty Images

Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots