10 Brutally Honest Things Trump Would Say About Why He Bombed Syria if He Wasn’t a Feckless Liar
Did Donald Trump Just Send A ‘Strong Message’ To The Rest Of The World With His Syria Attack?
Since “President” Donald Trump’s decision to fire 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles into Syria last week — missiles that did very little damage to the airfield they were targeting — we’ve heard a number of conservatives (and even some moderates) bloviate about how awesome a move it was. They’re convinced Trump “sent a message” to the world. One of strength, conviction, and determination.
But what message did Trump really send to the world? What would Donald Trump have really told the public about his cruise missile attack if he were physically, mentally, or emotionally capable of telling the truth?
Trump didn’t say one thing with his missile strike… he said ten different things. And unfortunately for Mr. Mango Mussolini, none of those messages were the ones he really intended to send. So let’s inject a little truth serum into this cruise missile story, shall we? Here are the ten messages Trump actually “sent the world” with his decision to sort-of-almost bomb that airfield.
Here Are The 10 Messages Trump’s Syrian Missile Strike Actually Sent To The World
Message #1: “My approval ratings are in the toilet, and this might help the American people forget about how terrible I am for one whole news cycle. Maybe.”
Message #2: “Everyone in the media keeps saying I’m being all ‘buddy-buddy’ with Vladimir Putin. But I did this, and Putin hated it. See? No collusion! Can we please end the FBI’s investigation now? K Thanks!”
Message #3: “I own stock in the company that makes these Tomahawk missiles. People tried to claim you can’t be a world leader AND be a business leader at the same time, but I proved them all wrong, bigly! Conflict of interest? My wallet is having a conflict of stretch marks from all those Benjamins!”
Message #4: “I said I launched this attack because I was moved by photos of dying Syrian children. That’s why I’m going to now send humanitarian aid to the region, make personal donations to UNICEF, rethink my draconian anti-refugee stance, and… PSYCH! LOL who cares? They’re Muslims!”
Message #5: “Ever since Marco Rubio dissed me with that ‘small hands’ joke, that’s all anyone talks about. But hey, my ‘hands’ aren’t small at all! And besides, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean! How well-endowed will the world think I am after they see me launch these big hard missiles into that soft Syrian target? They’re all gonna think I’m YUGE, okay? The biggest!”
Message #6: “My base of supporters are the sorts of people who use the phrases ‘Obummer,’ ‘libtard,’ and ‘snowflake’ because they aren’t smart enough or articulate enough to say anything of real substance. How would a person like that handle a situation like this? Oh, duh! Of course! (shouting) MURKA! *slaps big red button*”
Message #7: “The folks over at
the State News Agency Fox News sure do heap praise on me, don’t they? I should repay them with a gift. The gift of boners. The kind of boners conservatives only get when America blows up brown people. You can’t spell Viagra without Syria!”
Message #8: “Melania and I haven’t had ‘relations’ since I took office. I tried to grab her by the pussy the other day, but then she called me ‘an ugly orange pig-monster’ in that thick Eastern European accent of hers and threatened to divorce me. I’m so sexually frustrated! I just want to destroy something!”
Message #9: “Okay, it’s time to launch the rockets. FORE! Damn it… maybe I really am playing too much golf?”
Message #10: “These dumb generals took my phone away. All I wanted to do was tweet ‘Syrians can’t outrun my missiles. SAD!’ and they were all like ‘Sir, you’ll compromise the mission.’ Y’all should compromise these nuts! I should say that! No, Steve Bannon will send me to the timeout chair again. GRR! Stupid-head doodie-faces!”
Featured photo courtesy of Chip Somodevilla/ Getty Images
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Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots