10 New Slogan Suggestions For Fox News, Who Just Ditched 'Fair And Balanced'

10 New Slogan Suggestions For Fox News, Who Just Ditched ‘Fair And Balanced’

After More Than 20 Years, Fox News Just Dropped ‘Fair And Balanced’ From Their Slogan

For a (not so) great many years, the phrase “Fair & Balanced” has ironically and ridiculously been a part of Fox News’ slogan, standing defiantly against the network’s reputation as a hyper-partisan bullshit factory that has been proven wrong with the same frequency as a doomsday cult leader predicting the exact date of the apocalypse. But that irony is soon about to go out the window, because Fox News is dumping their infamous slogan.

With this major branding shake-up under way at Fox, I found myself wondering what the company’s new slogan might be. And after only a few moments of my imagination fluttering from one right-wing fantasy to the next, I quickly came to the conclusion that whatever slogan Fox News does come up with, I’m 110 percent positive I can write one at least twice as good.

So let’s dive right in, shall we? Here are 10 new slogans that Fox News can have free of charge. You don’t even have to acknowledge that I created them! These are my gift to you, Fox. It’s the least I could do for all the joy you’ve given at me, laughing at your ridiculous headlines and cracking jokes about your insane staffers. Please Fox, by all means, take any of these slogans you want as your own!

10 Slogans Fox News Should Consider Now That They’ve Ditched ‘Fair And Balanced’

1. “Fairly Unbalanced”

I mean, this one was pretty obvious, wasn’t it?

2. “YOUR DOCTOR LOVES US. HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL RIGHT BEFORE YOUR SURGERY, SNOWFLAKE?”

Please tell me I’m not the only person who goes into a doctor’s office or dentist’s office and immediately starts questioning his life choices when Fox News is what’s being broadcast on the TV in the waiting room.

“Alright, count backwards from ten. Oh hey, before this anesthesia kicks in and you’re fully out of it, I was meaning to ask… are you that Matt Terzi guy who tells all those dick jokes and Russian prostitute urination jokes on Reverb Press about President Trump? Why do you hate your president so much, Matt? Oh, and nothing will happen to you while you’re unconscious. I swear! Are you hallucinating those killer clowns yet? Don’t worry… you will soon enough, libtard.”

3. “Blow Your Own Bubble”

Admittedly I borrowed this one from Bubble Yum Gum. But it works flawlessly for Fox News, who crafted the soapy brain-dead suds that the right-wing news bubble is made of long before sites like Drudge, Breitbart, and InfoWars became the favorite watering holes for Trump’s base.

4. “Turning Donald Trump Into A Sociopath Since 1996!”

We all know that Donald Trump gets his “news” from Fox News. If they tossed up a “breaking news” banner right now and announced that the sky suddenly turned green, Trump would grab his phone and hastily tweet “Sky is GREEN now because of OBAMA’S Green Energy laws! He ruined our environment bigly! SAD.”

5. “All The News That’s Fit To Mint”

For all the “Fake News” ranting Trump and his ilk have done in the past year or so, they don’t seem to mind when Fox News flagrantly invents nonsense. We never heard anyone from the Trump administration ranting angrily or throwing around the phrase “fake news” left and right when Sean Hannity openly embraced a bullshit conspiracy theory, did we?

6. “Terrorists! Benghazi! Black People! Gay Marriage! Liberals! BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA!”

Fox News has formed a symbiotic relationship with fear. They scare right-wingers half to death with outrageous stories, and then the right-wingers fuel Fox News’ ratings as they tune in for more, which of course leads to more fear-inducing stories. It’s a perfect cycle of terror blended with stupidity that has generated quite a bit of wealth for Fox’s higher-ups. So hey, why not package all of that fear right into your logo, guys? Scare the ever-loving shit out of your most loyal fans and keep them shivering on the edges of their couches for decades to come!

7. “If It’s Brown, Flush It Down”

Hating Muslims, victim-blaming when the police kill an unarmed black person, racism heaved open-handedly at Barack Obama and the First Family during his time in the White House… Fox News and racism go together like the fingers and noses of their more avid viewers.

8. “Let us thoroughly implement our Party’s policy of putting all the people under arms and turning the whole country into a fortress!”

Wait! Don’t use that one, Fox! Sorry, I just realized where I got that idea from… it’s one of the hilarious official slogans of North Korea. It’s a shame you can’t use it though, isn’t it? If you were to read that quote out of context, you could totally imagine a Republican saying it!

9. “Feeding Your Grandpa’s Racism And Xenophobia Because He Doesn’t Know How to Use This Fancy New TV Channel Clicker Doo-Dad. And Why Don’t You Call Him More Often?”

I don’t have hard numbers to support this, but I’m pretty sure at least 90% of Fox News’ most loyal viewers are elderly people who either (A) can’t find their remote control, (B) keep trying to use their cell phones and have accidentally dialed Domino’s so many times their number is now blocked, or (C) accidentally click the “Last” button while watching NCIS and then can’t work out how to get back. But they’re right about one thing, you know… you should call your grandparents more often.

10. “All Hail Our Dear And Glorious Leader, Donald Trump!”

I don’t know how they do things over at Fox News, but I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that they recite the Pledge of Allegiance each morning before the start of their work day. Republicans are nerds, and not cool chic modern gamer and Star Wars nerds like me, but the sad kind of nerds. Also, I’m pretty sure the Pledge of Allegiance they chant each morning is different from the one we all had to say in grade school as kids. Their “Pledge” probably goes a little something like this:

“I pledge allegiance to President Trump of the United States of America. And to the Russians for which he stands, one bigly nation, under Trump, unpresidented, with pussy-grabbing and Fox News for all.”

Okay, I’ll admit it… I already told that joke on Facebook. I’m recycling material… like what Fox News does each and every time they bring up Benghazi, only at least I’m trying to be funny.

Featured photo courtesy of Spencer Platt/ Getty Images

Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots