Five Things My Liberal Friends Do That Drive Me Crazy

Five Things My Liberal Friends Do That Drive Me Crazy

This will come as a surprise to literally no one, but I’m about as liberal as liberal can possibly get, and I’m quite proud of my progressiveness. I’ve never had a problem telling someone that climate change is real, or that everyone deserves equal rights, or that Bernie Sanders should be our next president. It’s just what we serious progressives do.

This of course means that the vast majority of my friends are also liberal; I do have a few conservative friends, and I’m happy to think of them as such, but they’d be outnumbered fifty-to-one in any sort of social setting. Naturally, I argue with those conservative friends quite often, too. But that doesn’t mean my liberal friends are incapable of annoying me — they definitely are — and today, I’m going to play devil’s advocate a little and call them out on it.

Before anyone I’m close with asks, no, I’m not singling out that thing you did the other day. Well, okay, I probably am actually. But chances are this has been done by others a hundred times before it crossed your mind, so chill (winky-face), and just remember that I love you! So anyway, without further ado, let’s list some things many a liberal do that drive me up the wall.

Five Things My Liberal Friends Do That Annoy Me

5. Whining about your “gluten allergy”
There’s evidence that humans were farming in 30,000 BC, and after 107 billion humans have lived on this Earth, that means a lot of people have consumed gluten. Except you, of course, because of your “gluten allergy.” Now, I’m not saying gluten allergies are fake or that no human being truly suffers from celiac disease. As a guy whose allergic to onions, I think I have the market cornered on weird allergies. But do you really expect me to believe that, after I’ve watched you eat probably hundreds of sandwiches and slices of pizza in our lifetime, biting into that bagel is going to make you suddenly keel over and die? Seriously… shut up.

4. Blaming the world’s problems on violent video games
This isn’t strictly a liberal thing, but enough self-described liberal friends do this that it belongs on this list. I’ve probably killed more virtual people inside video games than all of the world’s wars throughout human history combined. And guess what? I’m not a violent person, I don’t own a gun, and I would never wish harm on anyone.  More than a billion people play video games every single day. If video games incite violence, those billion gamers would surely kill off the other 6 billion, right? But that doesn’t happen, because video games absolutely do not make people violent. As a liberal, you’re supposed to be defending art, not doing a crummy impression of John Lithgow from the movie Footloose every time a few of us talk about something we did in a video game together. If you don’t like games, don’t play them… but don’t try to ruin it for the rest of us in the process.

3. Food-shaming and food-fearing
Did you know slamming several cans of soda back-to-back will cause your heart to stop? Or that most of the chemicals present in fast food need to be handled with HAZMAT suits? Or that there are more “toxins” in a single grain of GMO corn than an entire pack of cigarettes? You didn’t, and I know that because I just made up two of those myths myself right here in this article. There are too many people counting chemicals in food and letting their hypochondriac tendencies run wild, and not enough actual chemists who can tell you what those chemicals really are. You just see a big alphabet soup word and assume the worst, because if you don’t personally know what the word means, nobody does!

2. Thinking your electric car makes you the greenest person on Earth
Electric cars are an incredible invention, one that will surely have a massive impact on climate change. Someday, hopefully in my lifetime, every car on the road is going to be electric, powered by solar, wind, and geothermal energy. And yes, owning an electric car does put you in the vanguard in humanity’s war on climate change. But before you break out Al Gore’s climate charts and lecture me for thirty minutes on the fate of the polar bear when you see me fire up my gasoline-fueled ride, try to remember three things: (1) you drive like an asshole, and have to recharge your car constantly as a result, (2) I can’t afford a Tesla Model S and I don’t see you offering to buy me one (though I’d honestly rather have a Jaguar F-Type… my birthday and Christmas are coming up in December, just sayin’), and (3) I’ve seen you litter and not sort your recycling, so stop being a dick about how environmentally-awesome you are.

1. Claiming that if Bernie or Hillary doesn’t win the nomination, you won’t vote at all
I’ve heard Bernie Sanders’ supporters tell me they won’t vote for Hillary Clinton if she wins the nomination, and likewise, I’ve heard an equal number of Hillary’s supporters say the same exact thing about not voting if Bernie wins the nomination. I’ve also heard both types of supporters claim they want their candidate to run third-party if they lose the nomination. All of you are idiots. And that’s what I’m going to call you when President Donald Trump and Vice President Jeb Bush are being sworn in, while Secretary of State Sarah Palin plans our war with Russia and Surgeon General Ben Carson  issues a health advisory stating that liberalism causes brain hemorrhages. All of that will be on you.

Photo by ilovememphis

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Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots