Aliens Thinking About Visiting Earth Should Wait Until Trump Leaves Office
An Open Letter To The Galaxy: Please Don’t Visit Earth Until Donald Trump Leaves Office In Earth-Year 2021
The following is an open letter to any and all advanced, intelligent lifeforms in the universe who are capable of intercepting the Earths’ Internet signals and translating our language into something they’re capable of understanding. If any such civilizations are out there, reading this article for some reason, I urge you to carefully consider what I’m saying here, because avoiding an intergalactic war is something most of the people of Earth are pretty keen on.
Dear Space Beings,
I’m sure you’re already aware of this, but late last Earth-Year, the United States of America (that’s a country here on Earth) elected an alleged human named Donald Trump as its President, or leader. Like I said, you probably already knew that; you folks seem to enjoy abducting southerners, so chances are learned about this from another human already, who likely shouted “make ‘Murka great again!” and then asked you if you’re “a Muslim terrorist” just moments before you brutally probed his anus. “Murka” is how those people say “America,” in case you were trying to figure that out. See? Some of us are helpful!
If you’ve been intercepting various broadcast signals from Earth over the years, chances are you’ve probably heard of Donald Trump before. He was a b-list reality TV celebrity prior to the election, known for firing other washed-up B-list celebrities from fake apprenticeships on a pretty awful television show.
Some of you might not know who Trump is. If you tune in to any of Earth’s numerous news networks right now and watch for five to ten minutes, you’ll eventually see a chubby orange ape-like creature with frumpy blonde hair and really tiny hands. That’s Donald Trump.
Anyway, most of the people of the United States and Earth as a whole dislike and distrust Donald Trump. He is not supported by any majority of Earthlings. In fact, I can say with absolute certainty that if your advanced race decided to abduct Donald Trump, take him into space, and then anal-probe him for several months — with or (preferably) without lubrication — most of us wouldn’t mind. Have at him. And heck, if you could make the machine doing the probing look like his daughter, he’d probably… no, you know what? I’m not going to make that joke. This is my first time addressing the galaxy at large. I want to try and keep this classier than most of my other writing.
I wanted to take a few minutes of your time to let you know that Donald Trump absolutely DOES NOT represent the people of Earth as a whole. Most of us do not think like him or act like him. We do not like his ideas. We do not appreciate his fear-mongering. We do not subscribe to his apparent preferred mating ritual of grabbing humans of the opposite gender by their genitalia and then asking them to urinate on or near him.
Most — not all, but most — humans consider Donald Trump to be vile sub-human filth, and we’d rather not be affiliated with him. We hope that whatever intergalactic bodies of government exist will take this into consideration moving forward.
The alleged human in question has what most of us presume to be very small male sexual organs. Our society tends to make jokes about humans afflicted with such miniscule parts. As a direct result of this, Donald Trump attempts to over-compensate by behaving in such a way that might lead others to think he’s more masculine than he really is. He’s needlessly, senselessly aggressive. He fires rockets and drops the biggest non-nuclear bombs he can find because acts of war make him feel tougher and better-endowed physically than he actually is.
And this is why I wanted to write to you, the galaxy and universe at large, today. I wanted to share with you a message on behalf of the vast majority of the people of Earth:
Please don’t visit Earth, or even attempt to communicate with the people of Earth, until after Donald Trump’s presidency has come to an end. This could happen at any given moment, but it will definitely happen prior to or on the Earth date of January 20th, 2021. If you could wait until then to make contact with us, it would be greatly appreciated.
If you attempt to visit or communicate with us prior to then, there’s no telling what Donald Trump might do. If I had to guess, however, I’d say he’d most likely rattle off a series of bigoted, hate-filled comments about your race right before openly declaring war on you. This is because he represents the last, dying embers of a sexist, racist, xenophobic, belligerent sub-culture embraced by sub-intelligent Neanderthals who throw rocks at those things their tiny under-evolved brains can’t comprehend. Sadly, in the case of Mr. Trump, those “rocks” are thermonuclear intercontinental ballistic missiles.
The people of Earth anxiously await the opportunity to meet you someday. We’d be fascinated to learn your history, to learn about your culture and your ways of life, and to share our own with you. And perhaps, if you’d be so gracious, you might share some of your advanced technological discoveries with us so the human race can contribute more to the intergalactic community than we could today. If you’ve mastered faster-than-light travel, or nanomachines that can heal us, or some sort of pager device that helps us figure out which sofa our TV remotes have slipped under — any advanced technology at all, really — we’d absolutely love to learn more about it.
Earth isn’t ready for that yet. Not so long as Donald Trump has access to nuclear launch codes. If your spaceships arrived on Earth today, Trump’s kneejerk reaction would be to open fire on said ships without so much as wondering why you’re here visiting Earth. His supporters, as few and far-between as they are, would expect nothing less of him. These people — we call them “conservatives” — scare easily, and acts of violence make them feel safer, even if violence tends to have the exact opposite effect on people in the real world.
So please, I’m begging you: don’t visit Earth yet. Not until Donald Trump has either been impeached, or loses the 2020 presidential race. And like I said, if you want to abduct Trump and experiment on him to figure out exactly how a human could be so ignorant, he’s all yours. Probe that booty as often and as brutally as you’d like. Just be careful not to poke him too hard down there. That’s where his brain is stored, and you don’t want to turn him into a vegetable, do you?
Thanks for taking the time to read this message. And on behalf of the people of Earth, we hope to hear from you someday and cordially invite you to visit us someday… after Trump has left office, of course.
Random Earthling #4,229,332,214
PS. – Ann Coulter is here on Earth. She’s one of yours, right? Feel free to take her back if you want. She hasn’t contributed a single positive thing to the human race in the time she’s spent on our planet. Unless you understandably banished her, in which case I suppose we’ll continue putting up with her. Loading her onto a rocket and firing her into the sun would probably be the best solution for both of our worlds, though. Just tossing that idea out there.
Featured photo courtesy of NASA via Getty Images
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Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots