BREAKING: Melania Trump Makes Harrowing Escape from Trump Tower, Sparks Nationwide Manhunt
White House, Authorities Desperate For Leads After First Lady Melania Trump Escapes Trump Tower
(SATIRE) In a frenzied scene early on Saturday, First Lady Melania Trump made a harrowing, life-threatening escape from Trump Tower, rappelling quickly down the side of the famous New York City building in the cover of darkness with her son, Barron Trump, wrapped around her.
Authorities say Melania Trump, who apparently had been planning her escape for several weeks, fashioned a climbing rope out of hundreds of last summer’s now out-of-season dresses, as well as several inexplicably expensive bed sheets and blankets, before proceeding to rappel through a 5-inch gap in a carelessly opened window down on to the street, all while carrying her son, who clung frantically to her perfectly flat torso as she climbed down.
The First Lady was caught on several nearby surveillance cameras safely reaching the street before lovingly embracing her son, and then seemingly uttering the phrase “Thank you merciful Jesus, I am finally free at last” toward the sky, before disappearing into the bustling throngs of Manhattan.
President Trump, who is refusing to tweet with the media at this time, signed an executive order this morning that initiated a nationwide, all-agencies manhunt for the First-Lady-At-Large. Local and State officials across the nation will be joined by the FBI, NSA, CIA, DIA, CDC, FCC, KGB, FDA, EPA, KFC, and BBQ in their search for Melania Trump.
“You men need to search every five-star hotel, luxury spa, designer handbag retailer, photography studio, jeweler, Ferrari dealership, and financial institution in the Greater Manhattan area,”
Trump reportedly said to FBI Director James Comey this morning.
Authorities say they found numerous rough drafts of escape plans penned by Melania Trump upon searching the Trump Tower residence. In one scratched plan, the First Lady would have escaped via a sewer system similar to the plan executed in the film “The Shawshank Redemption.” Another plan involved Melania performing a “sexy dance” for her Secret Service captors and then escaping after making them “pass out” from her “sheer beauty.”
But perhaps her most risky and daring plan — one she ultimately decided was too complicated — involved dressing like a housekeeper and wearing, quote, “the gross common-people rags of the poor” so that she could blend in with the building’s staff and escape while remaining in plain sight. But in a note scrawled on that plan, Melania shot down her own idea, writing “Not possible. Too pretty. No one would buy it.”
The White House and authorities are asking citizens to be on the lookout for “a tall, thin Eastern European woman who always looks like she just farted, and is confident she’s going to get away with it because nobody ever expects that she actually eats enough food to pass gas.”
However, many government officials are worried Melania Trump may never be found.
“That #FreeMelania hashtag is pretty popular. I doubt we’ll ever see her again,”
said Senator Lindsey Graham. “Donald Trump is about as popular in America as stepping on Legos barefoot. Anyone and everyone will harbor her and try to keep her safe, and that includes me. You go girl. Be free honey!”
This article is obviously a work of SATIRE and should not be taken seriously by anyone. But hey, you already figured that out, didn’t you? APRIL FOOLS!
Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images
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Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots