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If Jesus Returned To Earth Right Now, Conservatives Would Crucify Him (Again)

Conservatives ‘Say’ They Love Jesus, But Do They Really?

The late, great comic Bill Hicks once observed that if Jesus Christ did return to the contemporary world, he’d probably be mortified to see crosses everywhere. He likened it to people wearing sniper rifle pins to remember JFK. Every Easter, I find myself thinking about that bit of his. And on more than one occasion, I’ve found myself thinking about something else, too: how conservatives would treat Jesus Christ if he returned today.

If that did happen, I’d love to be a fly on the wall for the ensuing conversation. But unfortunately, I wouldn’t get to witness that if it really did happen. So instead, I’m going to imagine a conversation between a freshly-resurrected Jesus and a gaggle of famous conservatives. And naturally I’m going to take you along for the ride, of course.

A Conversation Between Jesus Christ And A Group Of Famous Conservative Figures

(Jesus Christ appears in a flash of light and a puff of smoke. For some reason, his Dad sent him to the United States. And just as mysteriously, Jesus arrives at a meeting involving several famous conservative figures)

Jesus: Hey guys! I’m back!

Donald Trump: Huh? Who the Hell is this guy? SECURITY!

Paul Ryan: Oh my! It’s the King of Kings! The Lamb of God! The Son Of David! It’s…

Trump: We’ve already met, Paul. I’m talking about this other guy who just appeared out of nowhere. And hey, my Dad’s name was Fred, not…

Jesus: I think he meant me. Jesus. Jesus Christ. Maybe you’ve heard of me?

Trump: Oh. Cool, I guess.

Ryan: Cool? Donald, we’re meeting Jesus Christ! He has returned!

Jesus: Yes, my son, I have returned! And I am here to spread… uh… Mr. Trump? What are you… can you put down your phone?

Trump: Sorry, just had to Tweet about this. ‘Just met Jesus. Very poor. Doesn’t have shoes. Low energy. Heaven isn’t sending their best people. SAD.’

Jesus: Uh… okay… so anyway, I’m here to spread my message unto the world! A message of peace on Earth! A message of loving thy neighbors, of loving the poor, of healing the sick and…

Mike Pence: ELECTROCUTING THE GAYS!

Conservatives In Chorus: YES!

Jesus: NO! That’s not at all what I was about to say! Have you ever actually read the New Testament? I don’t have any problem with people being gay! People should love whoever they want to love! I was going to say… wait… Mr. Ryan, did you just… did you just squirt something on me?

Ryan: Yes, Jesus. It’s called hand sanitizer. You look… muddy? Is that the word? Your skin’s all brown.

Jesus: What? Mr. Ryan, I am clean. This is my skin’s natural tone. For I hail from Nazareth, in present-day Israel. Our skin is naturally…

Trump: Hang on, I have to tweet this. ‘Jesus looks Arab. Talks like Bernie Sanders. Probably a terrorist. ISIS must be stopped.’

Jesus: Mr. Trump, please! I’m here with a message! My Father’s message!

Pence: Your father wants us to torture gays, doesn’t he? Corinthians makes that pretty clear.

Trump: Oh man, I love that book. Very classy! But I liked the sequel better though. Corinthians 2 was better. I haven’t read Corinthians 3 yet but I hear it’s fantastic.

Jesus: Listen… it has nothing to do with gay people, okay? We need to talk about loving the poor and treating them with respect. Of giving to the poor rather than hoarding wealth. Of healing the sick not because there’s profit to be made, but because they are sick, and we can help them.

Ted Cruz: So… you’re a socialist?

Jesus: What?

Cruz: You sound like a socialist.

Pence: Yeah… definitely a socialist.

Trump: I was thinking the same thing.

Ryan: Yup.

Jesus: I’m not a socialist, guys.

Pence: The REAL Jesus wants the poor to take care of themselves! The REAL Jesus would believe doctors deserve a comfortable lifestyle for the services they provide. The REAL Jesus would let me strap a car battery to a gay guy’s testes and zap him until he’s straight!

Jesus: Jesus fucking CHRIST! Will you people let me… Dad damn it, now I’m using my own name in vain! Listen, I’m the real Jesus, okay? There’s only one version of me! And I’m here to spread a message of loving the poor, caring for the sick, and peace on Earth!

Trump: Peace on Earth, huh? You sound like Obama. Obamacare is a failure, okay? It’s terrible. And we can’t beat our enemies if all we’re ever doing is giving them handouts and negotiating with them, okay? The Iran nuclear deal is terrible. Sad.

Cruz: The real Jesus wouldn’t be a defeatist libtard snowflake! The real Jesus would use his magic powers to destroy ISIS in one shot!

Ryan: Yeah! Why haven’t you done anything about ISIS yet, Jesus? If that is your real name?

Jesus: Look… I’m starting to lose my cool with you guys. Just listen to what I’m saying, okay? You need to care about the sick. Profiting from the sick is wrong. You need to care for the poor, and if you’re rich, you need to help the poor with those riches…

Cruz: So like, redistribute our wealth?

Jesus: Yes! Exactly!

Conservatives in Unison: COMMUNIST!

Cruz: Take your hippy left-wing bullshit over to Bernie Sanders!

Ryan: Jesus would never say such a thing!

Trump: I worked hard for my wealth, okay? I started out with nothing, and now I’m a billionaire. Well, I had that tiny, insignificant loan of $1 million my Dad gave me, but still… there’s no reason a poor person can’t do what I did, okay? They can just ask their parents to give them loans of $1 million too!

Jesus: You know what? Screw it! Screw all of you people! I’m done! I can’t take this anymore!

Trump: Oh man, tweeting this! ‘Jesus is having a total meltdown. Thinks America should go socialist. SAD. We should investigate him. I don’t think he’s here legally.’

Jesus: Yeah… done… beam me back up, Dad!

(Jesus disappears the same way he appeared, his scowl fading away as he vanishes)

Trump: Man, what an asshole.

Ryan: Seriously. Loving the poor? Caring for the sick? Peace on Earth? What kind of nonsense is that?

Cruz: Welp, I’m definitely in the market for a new religion after that.

Trump: Shut up, Ted.

Featured image courtesy of Dan Kitwood/ Getty Images

Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He's now moving into more "serious" subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots