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TERZI: If You’re Still A Trump Supporter After This Wiretapping Mess, You’re Nucking Futs

A Trump Supporter Still Backing Him After This ‘Wiretapping’ Fiasco Is Just As Cuckoo As He Is

If you’re still a Donald Trump supporter today — if you still believe he’s doing a bang-up job as President — I need you to do America a favor. Put down your Brawndo drink, and then remove your red baseball cap. Check the lining of said cap for tinfoil. If you find any, please remove it. Next, loosen the strap on the back of that cap by a few inches. You’ve been wearing it tightly enough to cause brain damage. Don’t do that.

In a few moments, your brain stem will no longer be imprinted with the cap’s little button holes and that “Made In China” tag you so whimsically ignored. And when the blood flow is finally restored to your cranium, you’re suddenly going to realize what the rest of America has been laughing, crying, and screaming bloody murder about…

Donald Trump is a fucking idiot, and he is completely and utterly unfit to be the President of the United States.

And if somehow that wasn’t proven to you already by his steady stream of blunders and gaffes, today’s delusional “wiretapping” story ought to put you over the edge, despite your aforementioned hat-induced traumatic brain injuries.

In the wee hours of Saturday morning, “President” Donald Trump — who was likely sitting on the toilet, I’d wager — unleashed a flurry of braindead, typo-heavy Tweets in which he accused former President Barack Obama of wiretapping Trump Plaza just ahead of the election.

Now, let’s be clear about something right out of the gate: this never happened. There is ZERO evidence supporting “The Donald” here. He never cited references, he never linked to a source, and he never explained where or how he obtained this supposed “information.” Former Deputy National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes plainly explained that presidents can’t actually do that. He knows more about this stuff than you do.

It didn’t happen. Not even a little bit. If you believe it happened, it means you’re putting blind faith in Donald Trump, a man with a proven track record of dishonesty. A man who treats random shit he’s overheard or read on ridiculous fake news websites like Breitbart as gospel.

If Donald Trump Claimed He Met The Easter Bunny, A Loyal Trump Supporter Would Believe Him

For sane people, Trump’s belligerent wiretapping tirade should be more than enough to convince them that this man is unhinged. But there’s a rather large contingent of low-information yokels who couldn’t care less about having things proven to them. They don’t take cited sources or the integrity thereof into consideration when determining their allegiances. For them, all that matters is that Trump said it. That in and of itself makes it true.

If Donald Trump went on television tomorrow morning and claimed that he met the Easter Bunny, and that the fictional holiday rabbit insisted that Trump send Bruce Willis and the surviving cast of the A-Team to the North Pole to eradicate Santa’s workshop, your average loyal Trump supporter would shout “‘MURKA! Let’s take this here war on Christmas to the next level! YEE-HAW!

We’d then find America split into two camps: the small minority of Trump supporter nutters who claim the Easter Bunny is real, and the rest of us. It’s basically the same demographics we have today, only in this scenario, the rest of America would be laughing a bit more. As it stands now, Trump’s presidency is only half funny. The other half is scarier than waking up in Trump Tower strapped to a bed with three one-gallon jugs of water sitting on the nightstand beside you.

That was a golden shower joke, by the way. I’m ready for my Peabody now. I even resisted the urge to say “Peebody” there. Award! Gimme!

At one point, I had faith that Donald Trump’s presidency would be so terrible that even the most loyal Trump supporter would say “holy damn, this guy is fucking nuts” and then slowly back away from the 2020 voting booth like they were staring down a Kodiak bear. After all, no one could be that stupid, right? I mean, you’d have to be a special kind of dumb to believe in Trump after all of this… right?

But then I see the comments online from Trump Supporters who are totally convinced this story is true. Like this one below, for instance, which was left on a story on another website about an Obama spokesman denying the story out of hand.

Trump supporter backing him through thick and thin

They’ve already taken it as an absolute and indisputable fact. Why? Because Dear Leader Kim Jong Don stated that it’s a fact in a Tweet he sent at four in the morning… again, probably while he was sitting on the toilet. That’s all the evidence they need. If Trump said it, it has to be true. Because Mango Mussolini would never lie to us, right? Right?

That faith? It’s gone now. What’s left in its place is a certainty that no matter how terrible Trump becomes, your average Trump Supporter is going to support him. They’re willing to believe whatever he has to say, and if he asked them to leap into a river, you’d find a great big mess of red baseball caps ten miles downstream later that same day.

Perhaps Trump supporters aren’t really ‘nucking futs,’ as my headline suggests. Maybe this is more of a cult thing. They’ve built up a symbiotic interdependence, and we can no longer tell where the cult leader ends and his worshipers begin. One can only hope we don’t see a sharp spike in sales of Kool-Aid or Black Nike sneakers in the coming months. But if we did, we can all rest assured that Trump’s followers would praise his leadership and business acumen for pulling it off… right up to the moment the spaceship arrives and beams them out into the cosmos to make the galaxy great again.

Featured image courtesy of Ralph Freso/ Getty Images

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Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He's now moving into more "serious" subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots

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