Ted Cruz, American Jerk: 5 Adult Videos We All Would’ve Guessed Ted Cruz Was Watching
Ted Cruz And The Late-Night Twitter Jerk Heard ‘Round The World
Politicians and sex-related scandals go together like pumpkin pie and whipped cream, but somehow, Ted Cruz has avoided them. The sex scandals, I mean… not pumpkin pie. I mean, he did lose the 2016 GOP Primary to a shriveled up poorly-carved Halloween pumpkin left rotting behind a fence until late November… but I digress.
Ted Cruz has somewhat astonishingly never found himself in the midst of a sex scandal (though he was accused of one at one point), and that’s pretty shocking. I mean, if I were sitting down to watch a campy horror B-movie about a killer penis that magically transforms into a murderous human man, I’d write an angry letter if Ted Cruz’s name didn’t show up in the opening credits.
All of that changed last evening, however, after Ted Cruz’s Twitter account “liked” a hardcore porn video late Monday night. Twitter thankfully had a chance to laugh heartily at the news before Cruz sheepishly removed the video and then blamed one of his staffers for doing it, like a guy violently shitting his pants and power-washing the carpet below only to then point a wobbly finger toward the dog.
It’s okay, Ted. We know what you were doing last night. We know that all of those September 11th patriotic platitudes on social media yesterday got your juices flowing, and you went to town on yourself like Steve Bannon does whenever he’s at home cosplaying as Adolf Hitler, screaming ‘Heil yes!’ into the mirror as he loads up a scabby palm with lotion.
Five Adult Videos Ted Cruz Was Probably Watching Last Night, If We Had to Guess
Some of you may have found yourselves overcome with a rather morbid question upon hearing about this story: what kind of porn video gets Ted Cruz excited? What does it take to turn him on? And didn’t Ted Cruz once argue that Americans don’t have a constitutional right to masturbate? Okay, you probably weren’t wondering about that last one. But I had to mention it, because come on… irony!
I haven’t seen the video in question, and if the Gods are merciful, I never will. But while I may not have any desire to Google the video and see it with my own eyes, I’m pretty sure I can guess what the video probably contained. It’s Ted Cruz, after all.
So let’s get to it, shall we? Here are the five porn videos I would’ve guessed Ted Cruz was watching last night. And I’m pretty sure most of you would guess at least one or two of these as well!
1. Gay Porn
Ted Cruz is a big-time homophobe, so naturally, my first thought was “I’ll bet he was watching gay porn.” If Larry Craig, Mark Foley, and countless others taught us anything, it’s that hardcore Republican anti-LGBT “crusaders” love the D.
2. Homeless People Fighting Over Bread
Like most Republicans, Ted Cruz seems to really loathe the poor… well, the ones who don’t vote for him, anyway. So I wouldn’t have been surprised if he was watching some sort of “poverty porn” video where two homeless people fight over some bread. The winner gets to sleep in a fancy hotel where they’ll have sex with someone. The loser stays on the street for the night… but still gets to have sex with someone. I’m pretty sure if Ted Cruz is reading this article in bed right now, his laptop just rose two inches.
3. Boring People Necking In Christmas Sweaters
Ted Cruz has a certain Ned Flanders quality to him, so it wouldn’t be a stretch to imagine him watching two people, wearing big furry colorful Christmas sweaters and mom jeans, in a scene of heavy petting that never quite rounds all the bases. Ted Cruz looks like the kind of guy who, despite his best efforts, didn’t lose his virginity until someone felt sorry for him on his 35th birthday. I’m not sure if that makes his porn habits tamer or scarier.
4. Women Being Denied Healthcare
An attractive woman walks into the Doctor’s office. The physician — a real piece of beefcake — asks her to lie down on his exam table as some sultry jazz music wafts into our earshot. She bites her lip as he leans toward her ear.
“I can’t see you today,” the man whispers seductively.
“Why? Are you married?” The beautiful woman asks, her face clearly anticipating some sexual congress.
“Because you don’t have health insurance. And you don’t deserve it either, you filthy worthless female peasant.”
Oh man, now I’m really hoping Ted Cruz never reads this article…
5. An Adult Film Reenactment of Ted Cruz’s 2013 Government Shutdown
I think this one is best summed up by reading what I imagine the back of the DVD case would say (and yes, Ted Cruz is the sort of person who still watches porn on DVD):
“A dashing half-Cuban, half-Canadian porn actor stars in this riveting erotic tale of greed, stupidity, hyper-partisanship, stupidity, hatred, and more stupidity. Ted Cruz, Washington DC’s most powerful extremist, is hellbent on bending over the United States and screwing the country as hard as his weak nerd body will allow.
“Featuring totally unrealistic and utterly ridiculous impersonations of Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, and others, this adult cinematic masterpiece tells the story of how one ugly man with a small peen but big dreams manages to fuck the entire United States for the better half of one full month straight!”
If you’re a big-wig in the adult entertainment industry who stumbled across this article and said “Hey, I want to make that picture!”, please, by all means, have at it. And if you want to be cool and throw some money my way, that would be even better. I can guarantee at least one person will watch this movie… Ted Cruz wouldn’t leave the house for seven or eight months. And I think we can all agree the country as a whole would be better for that, right?
Featured image courtesy of Scott Olson/ Getty Images
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Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots