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The Emperor’s New Border Wall: Matt Terzi’s Construction ‘Bid’ To Donald Trump

Trump’s Border Wall Bids Are Due Tomorrow

If you’re a construction firm hoping to cash in on Trump’s ridiculous border wall, you’re officially out of time. Bids for the asinine wall are due Wednesday, March 29th before 4 pm EST. Here’s hoping lots of bids drawn in crayon are sent in before that deadline.

I may not have years of construction experience — the closest I’ve been to a “construction site” is when my Dad and my Uncle teamed up to fix stuff around the house when I was a kid — but I do have a badass border wall proposal for “President” Donald Trump to consider. And it’s cheaper, tougher to get across, and can be built faster than any other proposal out there, guaranteed!

I know Donald Trump Googlebates while sitting on the toilet at four in the morning. I know he’s going to read this proposal… it has his name in the headline, how can he not? So consider this piece my elevator pitch, Donny. And by “elevator,” I obviously mean “tacky golden bathroom.”

Here’s My Construction Bid For Donald Trump’s Border Wall

Are you sitting down, Mr. Trump? Oh right, you’re on the toilet right now… of course you’re sitting down. Well, that’s the best place for you, because you’re totally going to shit a brick when you see how awesome my border wall proposal is. It surpasses all of your requirements and is considerably cheaper than anyone thought was possible!

My border wall will stand at 100 ft. in height, easily surpassing your requirement of 30 ft. You say we can use a design that features a “see-through component/ capability” and is “aesthetically pleasing” when viewed from the American side… check and check. It can’t be climbed, nor can it be tunneled under, and it’s virtually indestructible, capable of withstanding nuclear explosions, alien spaceship attacks, taco truck kamikaze crashes… you name it.

I hope you haven’t wiped yet, because I saved the best for last: this wall won’t cost you billions of dollars, either! I can do the entire US/ Mexico border for $100 million, and have it built within three months. Yes, I’m serious! Heck, for an extra $50 million I’ll throw up a second border wall between the United States and Canada. Though Canada is mostly filled with white people, so I figured you wouldn’t really be interested in that.

The only caveat? You have to pay for the entire border wall out of your own pocket. I won’t accept a single penny of taxpayer’s money for this border wall, not even on the promise that Mexico will “pay for it” down the road. But hey, you’re a billionaire, right? We haven’t seen any recent tax returns, so I’m just taking you at your word here. You love America, too… right? So paying for the wall out of pocket won’t be an issue for you.

How Is This Border Wall Idea Possible?

Using my advanced, ultra-futuristic INVISIWALL™ technology, my border wall design will be naked to the human eye. Only true American patriots who love America more than any other country can actually see the wall.

In fact, only those who love America and American freedom can even see the design of my border wall. This will keep the technology out of the hands of Mexicans, terrorists, Susan Sarandon, and other pesky people who hate us for our freedom.

If you truly love America, you’ll see a detailed blueprint of the wall and all of its technological brilliance, right down to the last nanometer of silicon. But if you don’t love America, all you’re going to see is a photo of Gary Busey. I know that you love America, Donald Trump. I’m confident you can see how totally awesome my plan is! Read the comments below… I’m sure other people see this awesome design too!

Here’s the blueprint:

(Photo by Jason Kempin/ Getty Images)

Isn’t it brilliant? As you can see, my border wall is totally impregnable. No one would even dare try to climb on top of that. In fact, it’s probably a good thing this wall is invisible to everyone but true American patriots… it would probably scare the ever-loving shit out of most people!

And don’t worry: when the wall goes up, we won’t have thousands of miles of Gary Busey lining our borders (though that would be more intimidating than any wall ever could be). The wall itself will be completely invisible to the naked, unpatriotic eye. But everyone who loves America will see a beautiful golden wall with gilded “Trump” logos emblazoned into the paneling, coupled with silver-encrusted American flags. It will truly be a sight to behold for everyone who really loves America, and isn’t just saying they do as a cheap applause line from low-information yokels.

I had to rename this technology as INVISIWALL™ because the original name was too long. My earlier drafts had referred to it as “Technologically Imposing Nano-Yield Obstacle Reactor And Next-Generation Electronic Pulse-engaged Networked Infrastructure System,” but the acronym — “T.I.N.Y.O.R.A.N.G.E.P.E.N.I.S.” — was way too difficult for most people to remember.

Once I have received payment, the border wall will be constructed within three months. And once your avid supporters see the wall completed, I can promise you they’re going to vote for you in 2020 without a second thought. All you have to do is tell them the wall is real. Trust me, Mr. Trump… your supporters will believe quite literally anything that comes out of your mouth.

So what do you say, Don? Do we have a deal?

Featured photo courtesy of David McNew/ Getty Images

Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He's now moving into more "serious" subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots