Trump Thinks The Media Wants Him To Stop Using Twitter. We Definitely Don't

Trump Thinks The Media Wants Him To Stop Using Twitter. We Definitely Don’t

Trump Thinks The Mainstream Media And The Left Want Him To Stop Using Twitter

There are few things in the world of politics that bring me joy these days. Every waking hour feels like a gladiatorial event where I’m dodging my way through a lethal gauntlet of terrible news stories. Trump advantageously abusing recent terror attacks for political gain and starting a Twitter feud with London’s Mayor? Disgusting. Trump pulling out of the Paris Agreement? Vile. Trump lining his own pockets with money skimmed from a children’s cancer charitySickening.

Related: Trump Dishonors D-Day Anniversary With Disgusting Twitter Rant

But there’s one thing in the world of politics that I do get to look forward to, gleefully, each and every day. And coming from a background in comedy writing, I can safely say it’s the one thing that keeps my satirical wits sharp. Best of all, it’s something “President” Donald Trump thinks I actually want him to stop doing, which of course means he’ll keep doing it, which in turn means it’s an unlimited source of entertainment for me. Well, until he inevitably gets impeached or resigns, that is.

What am I talking about? If you guessed “Donald Trump’s Twitter account,” reward yourself with a cookie. But not a big cookie, of course. After all, it was kind of given away in the headline, wasn’t it?

Early Tuesday morning, “President” Donald Trump sent out a tweet indicating that he believes the media (and probably also the left, I’d imagine) wants him to stop using Twitter entirely.

But as someone who has actually earned paychecks as a result of Donald Trump’s social media absurdity, I feel the need to speak on behalf of everyone in the media, mainstream and otherwise, as well as everyone on the left: Please Donny, whatever you do, keep using Twitter every single day!

Nothing Has Been More Gloriously Detrimental To Trump’s Failing Presidency Than His Own Twitter Account

Some of the funniest political gaffes of 2017 have thus far occurred under the pudgy Cheeto-like fingers of America’s first Orange President. And if Donald Trump had a dollar for every typo he’s committed to social media, he probably wouldn’t have bankrupted so many of his businesses, most notably his casinos (I mean seriously, how the fuck does someone bankrupt a casino? They’re basically money factories!).

Donald Trump has a natural aptitude for inventing utterly ridiculous words out of thin air. And somehow, they all sound like they could be words. Let’s just call them “English-adjacent” words, shall we? Bigly and Surety are rather surprisingly real words, though I’m utterly convinced he merely bumbled his way into using them. Unpresidented was a fantastically ironic typo. Braggadocious? That one he just made up out of thin air, apparently.. Trump truly is an expert at making up words that sound like real ones… or accidentally stumbling his way into the use of real words that he didn’t really know were words. It’s uncanny, really.

My own personal favorite, of course, happened rather recently, and it’s a word you’ve definitely heard about fifty-thousand times by now: Covfefe. It sounds like it might be a word in some foreign language, doesn’t it? I defined it in a Facebook post as a Russian word that roughly translates into English as “How many rubles for your urine?” Seriously, the sky is the limit when Trump party fouls his way through the English language.

Trump’s use of Twitter may have even cost him his most xenophobic campaign pledge: his ridiculously bigoted Muslim travel ban could have been jeopardized recently after Trump defiantly took to Twitter to define his twice-failed executive order as a “TRAVEL BAN,” in caps, despite his legal team attempting to argue that the order was not, in fact, a travel ban. That one was “surety” a mistake, but hey, that’s what you get for being braggadocious, Captain Covfefe.

Nothing has been more gloriously detrimental to Trump’s failing presidency than his own Twitter account. And each and every time Trump commits some random thought to Twitter, his credibility diminishes a little bit more. His worshipers become slightly more disheartened by his stupidity. And those of us in the media are granted an opportunity to giggle for a while, a welcomed distraction from what is almost always otherwise one depressing news cycle feeding into the next.

The Media And The Left Couldn’t Be Happier That Trump Uses Twitter

Trump’s Presidency has thus far been a stain on the history of the White House, like someone wearing spray tan inexplicably sitting down naked on someone’s wedding dress. No one wants it to happen. No one wants to imagine how it ended up happening, let alone imagine the act itself. All we do know is that we all want it to stop happening and to never, ever happen again. And unfortunately for America, you can’t fix everything Trump has broken with a quick visit to a dry cleaner (insert wholly inappropriate Bill Clinton/ blue dress joke here).

But to paraphrase a quote from the film Saving Private Ryan, Donald Trump’s Twitter affliction might be the only good thing we pull out of this whole God-awful, shitty mess.Trump might be overloaded with terrible ideas, not the least of which are fueled by bigotry and ego and the unbridled fear that death-grips his supporters by their (probably uninspiring) genitals, but at least Trump provides us with laughter from time to time, unintentional as it may be. And Trump’s Twitter account is often the nucleus of that accidental comedy.

I’m pretty sure that if Donald Trump did find this article and decided to read it, he probably quit a few paragraphs in. After all, I tend to write with a grade school comprehension level considerably higher than that of a third-grader. But Mr. Trump, if you’re reading this, please let this be the one takeaway you glean from this article: No one in the media wants you to stop using Twitter. No one on the left does, either. Heck, we want you to use it more. All of the time, really. Tweet literally every thought that pops into that shriveled fecal mass of sun-rotten orange peels you call a brain. Providing all of us with humor is the one good thing you can do for America between now and what we all hope will soon be your impeachment. I’d say this would be the one charitable act you could commit during your presidency, but then I know you’d never use Twitter again. We all know you aren’t too keen on the idea of charity.

Featured image via screengrab

Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots