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Valentine’s Day Dates With Your Favorite Presidential Candidates

If You Could Spend Valentine’s Day With A Presidential Candidate, Who Would It Be?

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and with the Iowa Caucuses happening on Monday and New Hampshire’s primaries taking place on February 9th, many Americans will have two things on their minds in the coming weeks: the 2016 presidential race, and romance.

This got me thinking: what would it be like to go on a date with each of the presidential candidates? Which candidates would leave your heart, if not your brain, a flutter? Let’s find out with some hypothetical dream dates with some of the bigger names in the 2016 presidential race.

Jeb Bush

Just kidding. Nobody wants to date Jeb Bush. He doesn’t mind, though. He’s always alone on Valentine’s Day. I mean seriously… it’s Jeb Bush.

Ben Carson

Ben Carson is without question the best candidate to go on a date with if you live your life by a tight schedule, because he’s always in bed and asleep by 7:30 pm. He’ll probably fall asleep a few times during your date, too. But don’t hold that against him, because Ben Carson is the real deal. He’s a brain surgeon, so there’s excellent financial security. He’s a great listener, too; he mumbles so quietly you’ll hardly understand the crazy shit tumbling out of his mouth. And you’ll be super-safe during your date as well, because the only thing Ben Carson loves more than stabbing people is redirecting armed robbers toward restaurant staff.

Chris Christie

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has a serious appetite for the White House, matched only by his appetite to please you on his date. You’ll kick things off with a stroll along one of New Jersey’s least-needle-ridden beaches, eating hot dogs from his favorite local stand. He’ll then take you to his favorite burger joint, where he’ll romantically tease you by licking the ketchup right out of the corner of your mouth. from here, it’s just a quick car ride to the iconic Amici Milano, Trenton’s finest Italian dining experience, before heading over to Taqueria el Mariachi for a romantic third and fourth meal. After waiting for an hour and a half for him to finish decimating their bathroom, you’ll learn he just dropped in the polls again, meaning you’ll have the rest of the evening to dance and romance together… between snacks and more potty breaks, of course.

Hillary Clinton

A majority of Americans might think former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is dishonest, but let’s get real for a minute: who doesn’t enjoy some drama? Hillary might have the personality of a wet tree stump, but she’s incredibly easygoing and difficult to disagree with, because you can rest assured her position will evolve by the time you’ve finished your Wall Street-funded tiramisu.

Just don’t ask her about her damn emails, and definitely don’t bring up Bernie Sanders. The only thing that ends a date with Hillary faster than reminding her of the presidential race’s dynamic shift is, well, sniper fire.

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz (by Gage Skidmore, Cropped)
Image by Gage Skidmore, courtesy of Flickr

A date with Ted Cruz will involve eating some machinegun bacon while he tells you all about his vision for America’s next civil war.  Cruz is Canadian, so you know he’ll be super-polite between the sheets, minus the butt sweat, of course (see that picture to the right of this text? That’s Ted Cruz’s “oh face.” You’re welcome, America). And who doesn’t want a significant other with a sense of humor? Ted Cruz’s Simpsons impressions will leave you gasping for air… literally!

Bernie Sanders

There’s only one candidate who will champion 99% of your heart on Valentine’s Day, and that man is Bernie Sanders. Who can resist an older guy with sexy bed-head? Nobody, that’s who! Bernie will spread the wealth of his lovin’ the way only a democratic socialist can, making sure the love-making is fair and doesn’t only benefit the top 1% of your after-hours experience. The Earth won’t be the only thing heating up when you #FeelTheBern. And as is the case with everything about Bernie, your whole date is going to end up saving you money, too. Yes, you’re paying for dinner… the guy doesn’t have a super PAC, so do him this one solid, okay?

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Donald Trump

Let’s be honest: Donald Trump might find you sexy, but nobody turns him on the way his own daughter does. That being said, there are reasons why women line up around the block to marry him and why Amazon is loaded to the brim with sexy erotic fan-fictions about him… The Donald is YUUUGE, and I ain’t talking about his poll numbers, either. I’m obviously talking about his ego (why? What did you think I was talking about?), and women love nothing more than a rich guy with confidence, right?

The Donald will kick off the Valentine’s Day date by borrowing your jacketbaby, it’s cold outside! — and taking you on a helicopter tour above Manhattan, where he’ll brag about all of the skyscrapers he owns. You’ll then go on a romantic stroll through Central Park, throwing snowballs and maybe a few rocks at all the brown people who look Mexican and/ or Muslim. The evening will wind down at a restaurant Trump owns, where he’ll regale you with stories about how he’s a totally self-made man (apart from the million dollars his dad gave him in the 1970’s). Where the night takes you after that is totally your call, as long as it isn’t Mexico or England, of course.

Photo by maf04

Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He's now moving into more "serious" subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots