Trump Launches Alternative Facts ‘Real News’ Show and Might Have Just Invented Lie Porn

Donald Trump Just Launched His Own Alternative Facts ‘News Network’ To Counteract Supposed ‘Fake News’

It’s not “President” Donald Trump’s aversion to honesty, or his self-inflicted gaffes, or his general incompetence that are ruining his presidency. No, it’s all the media’s doing. The crooked “fake news” media is spoiling all of his fun!

If only there were some way for The Donald to tell his side of the story? I mean, apart from his nightly Twitter binges, his frequent ego-bolstering pep rallies, and having representatives from every major news outlet on planet Earth within walking distance of his bedroom. How could he possibly tell the American people about how awesome he truly is? Don’t they deserve to bask in the impressive warmth of his orange glow?

On Sunday, Trump found the solution to all of his woes: If the fake news media won’t bend to his will and heap praise upon him, he’ll pick up his ball, go home, and play with himself!

Yes, I’m talking about Trump’s only enduring creation thus far during his short time in the White House: Lie Porn, which comes to us in the form of a “news network” of his own invention that fondles his ego with alternative facts like two sweaty teenagers rounding third base.

Sunday afternoon, Trump’s daughter-in-law Lara Trump, the wife of his son Beavis Eric Trump, hosted what Donald Trump self-lovingly captioned as “Real news.”

“Want to know what President Trump did this week? Watch here for REAL news!”

Facebook may have strict rules about pornographic materials appearing on their social network, but that won’t stop Trump’s Neanderthalic supporters from gruesomely cranking themselves into freedom comas over all the praise this outlandish video is serving up to his ardent worshipers. And Trump himself? This video supplies him with the strongest non-medicated erection he’ll ever likely experience without urine being involved.

Yes, Trump’s Alternative Facts ‘News Show’ Is Exactly As Ridiculous As You Think It Is

Donald Trump clearly took a few production queues from North Korean State television broadcasts, with Lara Trump opening up the broadcast with an unhealthy heaping of Glorious Dear Leader adulation peppered with digs against the professional news industry, who have the audacity to report on Trump’s constant flow of scandals and gaffes without making him sound like the love child of Ronald Reagan and George Washington.

“Hey everybody, Lara Trump here. I bet you haven’t heard about all the accomplishments the President had this week, because there’s so much fake news out there. We wanted to give you a glimpse into his week.”

What are these accomplishments? Trump donated his salary to the Department of Education. Next, the record-low unemployment rate (thanks Obama!). The DOW hit an all-time high this week (thanks again, Obama!). Trump gave the Medal of Valor to people who saved lives during the Congressional baseball game shooting back in June. Trump and Pence met with veterans, while Trump also met with ICE and police officers.

There of course is no mention in Lara Trump’s video of Trump openly encouraging police officers to be violent toward suspects without due process or just cause. She never brought up that Reince Priebus was ousted last week. She failed to mention then-Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci, whose disgusting tirade during an interview with The New Yorker on Wednesday was apparently sanctioned by Trump himself. And she was sure to steer clear of mentioning that Trump is the only President in American history to ever embarrass the Boy Scouts into issuing an apology for inviting him, which also happened last week.

But all of that is fake news, of course. Did it happen? Yes, most definitely. Is there any doubt in anyone’s mind that these stories are authentic? Absolutely not… no sane person could possibly argue to the contrary. But is it fake news? Yes! Why? No one fucking knows! If I might borrow the line Trump most likely uses while convincing women to pee for him: “Stop asking questions and just go with it!”

There’s a valuable lesson here for Fox News, Breitbart, and other alternative facts outlets that peddle bullshit in favor of their tiny-fingered nectarine-flavored Emperor. Sometimes, those outlets will pull back, wipe off their mouths with their shirt sleeves, and question whether orally inhaling Trump’s ego farts directly from their source hole is as healthy as Trump lets on, only before nodding toward each other, high-fiving, and puckering up for another dose.

You guys are doing it wrong. Just let Trump create his own news network, aggregate what he reports, and everybody wins. You won’t win any Pulitzer Awards, but come on… it’s not like you guys were ever getting nominated anyway. And if you’re going to sling Trump’s bullshit for a living, you may as well do so without needing to spend half of your money on mouthwash, am I right?

Featured image courtesy of Justin Merriman/ Getty Images

Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He's now moving into more "serious" subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots