“There are few things I enjoy more than on weekends cooking breakfast with the family,” Sen. Ted Cruz declares in his disturbing video titled “Making Machine-Gun Bacon with Ted Cruz.” He then slyly adds:
“Of course in Texas, we cook bacon a little differently than most folks.”
We can only imagine the astonished looks on the faces of his little girls and his wife Heidi — who happens to be a vegetarian — as the righteous “Christian” patriarch of their family unit proceeds to wrap slabs of bacon around his giant, erect penis (oops, I mean to type “semi-automatic rifle,” damn you, auto correct!), wrap the whole mess in tin foil, and then start blasting away until the heat of the rifle barrel cooks the “machine-gun bacon’ to a crisp
Which makes me wonder…Does Ted Cruz make “machine-gun bacon” on Sundays? If so, do they eat it before or after they go to church?
Alas, the footage from Ted Cruz’s video offers no answers to these important questions. “Making Machine Gun Bacon” takes place at an indoor shooting range, with nary a family-member or breakfast dish in sight. The video shows Ted Cruz firing bullets and shells, as the foil-wrapped bacon splatters grease on the floor. In the end, the 2016 GOP presidential hopeful unwraps the tin foil to reveal crispy, bacon cooked to perfection. Then, with his trademark smirk, the Texas Senator gleefully grabs a plastic fork and takes a nibble.
Yet, this method of cooking bacon doesn’t seem terribly cost-effective. The IJ Review mentions that Cruz fired off four magazines’ worth of 5.56 bullets. Assuming a 10-round capacity (that’s on the low-end, magazines for semi-automatic weapons like the one Cruz was using can hold up to 20 or 25 rounds), for four magazines at the going rate of .22 per bullet, that’s a whopping $8,80 per slice of bacon!
Furthermore, The Guardianreports experts say this is not a safe or terribly sanitary way to cook bacon. It all goes to show how desperate our GOP presidential candidates are to get attention during this year’s primary season. Alas, Heidi Cruz needs to keep her job at Goldman Sachs, because Ted Cruz won’t wind up in the White House or on a cooking show any time soon.