A third Republican debate happened on Wednesday. Donald Trump yelled. Marco Rubio said horrible things in a seemingly reasonable way. John Kasich appeared both competent and doomed. Meanwhile, Jeb Bush continued his political disintegration. Now, of course, everyone is arguing over who won. The general consensus is that Rubio claimed that dubious honor, but I’m going to have to disagree. Comedian Patton Oswalt tweeted his way through the debate and was, hands down, the winner.
He came to the event well prepared:
Llllllllet’s get ready to gape in disbelief!!! #GOPDebate pic.twitter.com/Oh28cZivaQ
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 28, 2015
He had a bit of fun as the candidates were invited to name their greatest weaknesses:
Say “I love too deeply” Donald! SAY “I LOVE TOO DEEPLY”! #weaknesses #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
I will vote for the first candidate who names “tentacle porn” as his or her weakness. #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
(Note to my gentle readers: if you are unfamiliar with the term “tentacle porn,” I would advise against Googling it.) Throughout the night, Oswalt managed to distill the essence of the GOP candidates into pithy masterpieces of surreal humor:
I think Alex Jones hollowed out Chris Christie and is inside his skin right now. #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
Jeb Bush is a spoiled, rich boy’s sigh become sentient and made flesh. #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
His reactions to some of the inexplicably stupid statements by the candidates? Absolutely spot on:
Guys? If your wife or girlfriend are watching the debate and heard Jeb’s “warm kiss” line? You’re not getting laid tonight. #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
Moral authority. Trump tie. Made in Mexico or China. This just became a demolition derby crash of douchiness. Wow. #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
PC culture is, at its worst, annoying. And easily swatted away. It isn’t destroying anything. Ben. Holy shit, dude. #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
But the crowning moment of Oswalt’s genius — when he won this debate and probably every debate ever — was when this happened:
Fantasy football?! Fuck you, @cnbc. I’m gonna rate these candidates with D&D stats. #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
Admittedly,you have to be a bit familiar with Dungeons & Dragons to fully appreciate the beauty of what Oswalt is doing here. If you do, you’ll certainly appreciate how Patton absolutely nails it:
Ted Cruz = dwarf cleric with 3 Charisma. #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
John Kasich = level 4 fighter with standard plate armor and a standard long sword, 10 strength #GOPDebate
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
Admittedly, Oswalt isn’t above the occasional cheap shot.
Chris Christie = shambling mound #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
Carly Fiorinia = level 5 Drow elf with a + 1 Ring of Vampiric rrgeneration #GOPdebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
Rand Paul = halfling thief #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
Jeb Bush = NPC with 8s in all attributes and leather armor #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
Ben Carson = necromancer, 19 intelligence, 4 wisdom #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
Mike Huckabee = gelatinous cube #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
Trump = level 21 demi-liche, Lamarkin’s Rod of Disease, Cloak of Revulsion #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
Yet mixed in with all the humor, Patton shared with us a rather interesting observation:
Every applause break by a candidate in this debate was from them aping @SenSanders. Every single one. #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
All in all, while the night was a disaster for the GOP, it provided us with pure comedic gold from the mind of Patton Oswalt.
He won the debate, and the world is a better place for it.
“Nothing nothing nothing.” *shoots self in head* — Ted Cruz #closingstatements #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
“Fuck you. I hope Trump wins and you’re all forced to work in his casino whore-stables.” — John Kasich #closingstatements #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
“Guess I’d be a good pres’dent. I dunno. I don’t care. Whatever.” — Jeb Bush #closingstatements #GOPDebate — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015
