Editor’s note: Matt Terzi is a humorist and political satirist from Binghamton, New York who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. The following is his best guess at what Donald Trump’s first bipartisan speech to Congress might sound like.
What Will Trump’s Congressional Address Sound Like? We Take A Stab At Writing A Speech For “The Donald”
Tonight, “President” Donald Trump will address a joint session of Congress for the first time (not to be confused with a State Of The Union Address). Chances are, Trump will draw record-low viewership — or maybe record-high viewership, with people tuning in just to watch a giant orange fish flop around on stage for ninety minutes — but we don’t really know what his speech will be about.
Or do we?
Using a Ouija Board, a Magic 8-Ball, and several other techniques that definitely didn’t involve dumpster-diving behind the Mar-A-Largo resort in Florida at four in the morning recently, I’ve managed to come up with the rough draft of Donald Trump’s planned speech for this evening. So if you can’t watch tonight’s speech, don’t worry… I’ve got you covered!
Mr. Trump typically begins his speeches by thanking those who spoke before him. He then looks down at his prepared remarks, carefully bullet-pointed by some longsuffering member of his staff, and thinks to himself: Fuck it. Looks like we’re winging this thing again.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Ivanka — isn’t she terrific? Where’s Ivanka. Where’s… there she is. So beautiful. If I wasn’t a happily married man and if she wasn’t my daughter… she’s such a great woman. Very classy. Very elegant. A perfect ten. Nordstrom, such an embarrassment. They’re pathetic. Terrible. Such a terrible mistake they made. I mean, look at her. Look at them. We all see whose better, don’t we?
At this point, Mr. Trump has gone a full thirty-five seconds without saying the word terrible. He immediately rectifies the situation, throwing a few bads in there for good measure.
I’m here tonight to tell you that the State of our union is terrible. Very sad. Very low-energy. We had Obama, we had Hillary Clinton, and it was bad. It was really, really, really, really, really bad. Unemployment is at seventy percent. That’s what I read, can you believe it? Seventy percent. Four-hundred million Americans are out of work because of Obama. four-hundred million, out of work because of Hillary Clinton. It’s terrible. Just terrible.
Trump, having delighted his audience and emboldened himself (some say he emboldens himself to urolagnia, but that’s neither here nor there), Trump now goes for the throat:
And people, they are not happy, okay? They are very upset. Our jobs are going to Mexico. They’re going to China. And we have Mexicans, we have Muslim Islamic terrorist refugees, they’re coming into this country, and we don’t know what they’re trying to do here. They’re taking our jobs. They’re killing our people. They’re bad dudes. Very bad. Obama was the worst.
But that’s why the people voted for me, okay? I won in a landslide because I’m going to make America Great Again. The fake news people say Hillary Clinton won the popular vote, but it was rigged. And she still lost, terrible. Didn’t she lose so badly? Such an embarrassment. I mean, she was such an embarrassment. She had no chance. Very low energy. Just terrible.
The fake news, they’re saying all of these things, and they’re not true, okay? They say I’m not doing well, they say my polling numbers are bad, but we all know it’s rigged. They’re fake news. They’re trying to make me look bad. They’re in the tank for Hillary, in the tank for Obama. Nobody reads the New York Times. They’re a fake paper, and they’re doing so badly. Very poor numbers. And it’s because they lie, they’re fake news. I mean, they’re fake news.
The fake news people, they say I’m close with Russia. Is that a bad thing? Putin is a strong leader, okay? We can learn a lot from Putin. He knows how to do things. He knows how to do running a country. He knows it so good. Look at Russia. Putin made Russia great again, okay? Russia is doing great. We can be more like Russia. I want us to be more like Russia. And the fake news, they say I’m doing so badly, but they’re fake, okay? Very poor ratings. So bad. So very bad.
But I’m doing great. I’m doing really great. I read that I might be the greatest president of all time, okay? That’s not me saying that. Other people are saying that about me. Not the fake news people, but the real news, they are saying I’m one of the best, and I’m not going to argue with them. They know. They know what they’re doing. They are very good. They get it. They get what we’re trying to do here. Fox News, very great company. And Breitbart, one of the very best, okay? They’re one of the very best.
Do you know what else is great? We’re opening a world-class resort in Scotland. It’s beautiful. Have I told you all how beautiful it is? Very classy. The best, I’m telling you. This resort, it’s going to be someplace you all want to visit. Do you know how many world-class resorts Obama owns? None. He wouldn’t know how to do it. Very sad. But this place, I hope you’ll all come and visit. You should visit. Bring your families. You’ll love it, okay? It’s the best.
When George Washington came here and he spoke to this Congress, he said ‘don’t ask what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country,’ and I think, what he really meant there, was that you shouldn’t ask for handouts, okay?
Education, that’s a handout. We’re taking care of that. Betsy DeVos — where is Betsy? There’s Betsy, stand up. Stand up, take a bow — There won’t be handouts, okay? We’re going to fix it. Our people will be smarter, okay? They’re gonna be so smart. The smartest.
And Washington, he was one of our best people. He said ‘Ask what you can do for your country.’ You can make it great again. That’s what we’re doing, okay? We’re making America great again. That’s what Washington wants us to do, okay? And I know how to get it done, believe me.
You’re welcome, America. You’re welcome, Congress. It was great to be here. You’ve been terrific. I’ve been terrific. You’re welcome.