Trump Supporters Arenât The Sharpest Tools In The Shed
But They Sure Are ToolsâŠ
Enough is enough, Trump supporters. Weâre done! America has had enough of you. As Hillary Clinton said, âÂĄBasta!â You refuse to listen to reason, you refuse to absorb any actual facts, and the low-information voter routine got old well before it even began. So Iâm going to try and get through to you using the last method we have left: facts, delivered with enough insults, aimed directly toward your willfully ignorant faces, to hopefully get your blood flowing enough to make your brains work properly. And if this doesnât work, well, at least the rest of us will get to laugh for a little while⊠you know, before the Fourth Reich begins.
Donald Trump is amassing an army of Neanderthals who only pay enough attention to politics and current events to bitch about how much they hate Obama. If youâre a Trump supporter, then yes, Iâm talking about you. Youâre an idiot. In fact, itâs worse than that⊠youâre an idiot by choice.
All of the information known to the human race is available at your fingertips, in the phone in your pocket or on whatever device youâre reading this article, but you choose, free will and all, to ignore anything that doesnât jive with your preconceived notions. Oh, right, youâre a stupid person⊠âpreconceived notionsâ are things you think you know before learning something new. Go ahead and pop an aspirin. Feeling better? Good. Letâs continue.
Iâm going to lay this out plain as day for you, dummies. Here are ten things that are absolutely, undeniably true. Theyâre facts. These arenât my opinions, they arenât open to interpretation, they arenât things Iâm making up⊠these are actual, God-honest facts. Take a few minutes with each one. Take an hour if you need it. If we can raise your IQ by a single digit, this will have been a decent success.
Ten Things Trump Supporters Are Too Stupid To Realize
2. Trump Used To Support Gun Control. He was big on banning assault weapons, as well as background checks and waiting periods, when he wrote his book back in 2000. Nowadays, heâs more conservative. But you know how people love to rail on Hillary Clinton because sheâs a flip-flopper? Donald Trump is a flip-flopper, too.
3. Trump Supported Hillary Clinton! Speaking of Hillary Clinton, guess who was a big supporter of hers until recently? Donald Trump, thatâs who. He financially backed her Senate campaigns repeatedly, and made a yuuuge donation to the Clinton Foundation of more than $100,000 as well. Hillary Clinton sat front-row at Trumpâs most recent wedding in 2005, too (Bill was at the reception). Heâs been in cahoots with the Clintons in the past. I guess you have a new catchphrase now? Trump âPals Around With Clintons?â Letâs see if that one catches on.
4. âTrumpâ isnât really Donald Trumpâs Last Name. His actual last name is âDrumpf.â Not kidding. His family changed it right before they came to America. Thatâs right, the immigrant hater not only employed illegal immigrants, heâs descended of immigrants, too. Of course, you probably are too â and that hasnât stopped you.
5. Donald Trump Speaks Like A Third-Grader. Do you know why heâs appealing to stupid people? Because he speaks their language. When a bunch of researchers analyzed Trumpâs speeches, they found that he uses small words and short sentences, and has the general vocabulary of a CHILD in the third-grade. Maybe the fact that he âtalks plainâ appeals to you, but shouldnât a president be smarter than you? Donât you want a leader who actually thinks? You know⊠a leader with a brain? A functional brain?
6. You Look Like Nazis. Thereâs no pleasant way of telling you this, but when you have a booger hanging out of your nose, itâs polite for someone to tell you before you end up getting embarrassed. Donald Trumpâs supporters look like Nazis at his rallies. Sticking your right hands up in the air and chanting your allegiance to Donald Trump while all of the people who disagree with him are beaten up and dragged away, all while your charismatic leader rambles about how much he hates people of certain ethnicities⊠you donât need to be a genius to see the similarities here, people.
7. Trump Hates Poor People⊠Including You. Most of Donald Trumpâs supporters are poor. You might hope to be wealthy like The Donald someday, but chances are, you wonât be. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Iâm just being honest with you. And because youâre poor, Donald Trump thinks youâre a stupid person who doesnât deserve to vote. Those are his words, not mine. Do you think poverty equals stupidity? Are you a dumb person just because you donât have as much money as he does? Well⊠youâre supporting Trump, so youâre definitely a stupid person, but itâs not because youâre poor (for most of you, itâs because your mom drank during her pregnancy⊠just keepinâ it 100, folks). But Iâm not sure why Iâm even going on about this. Itâs not as if you can read anyway.
8. Trump Isnât Actually Explaining His Positions. He talks about how awesome America will be under his reign during his presidency, but he doesnât really tell us how heâll do any of this stuff. The only people who hate Donald Trump more than Democrats are Republicans, so he isnât going to be able to broker these âfantastic dealsâ he keeps telling us about. And no, Mexico wonât pay for his wall, either. Why would they? Can you actually answer that question using factual information? No, you canât, because that factual information doesnât exist. Donât buy the magic beans, dummies. They donât do what you think they do.
9. No, Trump Wonât âKeep Us Safe.â I keep hearing Trump supporters claim Trump will âkeep us safe.â How exactly will he do that? I mean, he doesnât detail his plans in any way (which we just covered a moment ago in #8⊠I know how prone you are to forgetting stuff). He just talks tough and acts tough, but what evidence is there of him being capable of thinking strategically and intellectually? What evidence is there that he can keep us out of wars, or prevent terror attacks from striking American soil? I mean, I play lots of video games⊠that probably makes me 3000% more qualified to âkeep us safeâ than Donald Trump is. Me⊠the guy who writes dick jokes (thanks, by the way, to one Donald Trumpâs high minded debate style) and other snark on the Internet for a living. Iâm definitely not qualified to be president, either, before you ask. Do you people actually ask questions, or do you just take him at his word for no apparent reason whatsoever?
10. Trump Lies To You Constantly. The worst part is, he doesnât appear to realize heâs doing it. Remember when Donald Trump told you that unemployment was higher than the government claims? Yeah⊠he was making that up. The real unemployment number is 4.9% (as of this article being written). Thatâs using the same metric weâve measured every American President by since the 1940âs. The other, higher number? Yeah⊠thatâs made up. Trump wants you to believe that as much as 50% of the country is unemployed, but thereâs literally no proof of that whatsoever. He just pulled that number out of his orange ass, and youâre stupid, so you believed it.
Donald Trump Is Dangerous
I donât know what else you need to hear, or what other factual information you need to swallow. Any one of these ten things should at least make you second-guess whether youâre backing the right loud, abrasive, douchey orange horse or not. The question is, who among you is smart enough to breath with your mouth closed, let alone use Google and try to ascertain some facts about this ignoramus you want to elect as president?
Donald Trump is the worst kind of idiot there is: a dangerous one. Heâs a short-fingered trust-fund baby with a comically absurd hairdo, hell-bent on becoming the president for personal gain, and heâs willing to say whatever stupid people want to hear in order to achieve that goal.
Being stupid is a lifestyle choice, folks. You can be a smart person if you really want to be. All it takes is a small amount of effort⊠a lot less effort than it takes to join Trumpâs Nazi-like âmovement,â for sure. All it really takes is one book. No, not that one. A different one.
