Breitbart Mansplains How The Washing Machine And The Pill Have Destroyed Womanhood. Seriously.

Breitbart Mansplains How The Washing Machine And The Pill Have Destroyed Womanhood. Seriously.

Mansplaining To The Rescue!

Women, the rabidly conservative outlet Breitbart knows your problems. Breitbart sees you struggling under your yoke, with the children (or not), and the partner (or not), and the career (or not), and the social life (or not), and any mixture of the aforementioned. Or not.

Breitbart has heard our stressed cries of desperation and was sweet enough – heroic enough – to answer our call. Someone strong enough, confident enough, who has a penis, looked at the entirety of the individual challenges each woman struggles with mightily and reached this sweeping conclusion.

The washing machine and birth control have utterly destroyed us. It isn’t that we have too much to do, what with our careers and our families and our homes and our social lives. It’s that we don’t have enough to do.

Yeah. I’m not kidding. No, it’s not The Onion. Breitbart, which has, since Donald Trump hired its top executive Stephen Brannon, become the media arm of the Republican nominee’s campaign, actually published this. According to Breitbart writer and alt-right leader Milo Yiannopoulos, feminism is a mistake. Not because it threatens him – don’t be silly, he’s a man – but because it has made us women so very sad.

Do You Even Know Why You Are Sad? Let This Guy Tell You

“In terms of female happiness, women’s liberation was probably a mistake, and it was a mistake driven by technology that was, of course, invented by men. Let’s start with the device that forced women out of the home they so lovingly kept, wrenched their children from their arms and doomed them to perform unsatisfying tasks in the workforce in order to respond to new social norms: the washing machine.”

I can’t. I just can’t. I mean, I will and I am about to, but just read that again, and then read this gem:

“This infernal contraption was celebrated as a means to making a woman’s life much easier, and is now hailed as one of the milestones of women’s liberation. Almost no invention or political decision in history affected gender relations like the washing machine, because it effectively freed up half the human species to enter the workforce.”

Furthermore, this guy says, “This change left women unfulfilled and miserable.”

It’s Not That You Have To Much To Do…It’s That You Don’t Have Enough

Yes. Exactly. It’s not the mounting piles of laundry frustrate you. It’s that the laundry is too easy to do. 

This man points to a study showing women’s happiness has declined over the past 35 years, and says that as “women become freer, richer, better educated and have more choices, they get progressively more miserable.”

Ah. Okay, ladies. That freedom and education we thought we wanted have made us sad. It certainly can’t be that we are not only expected to be successful in our careers but also raise perfect families, keep a clean home, volunteer, work out and churn out perfect, nutritious meals on a regular basis, and do it all while wearing heels and being held to an entirely different standard than men while getting paid significantly less than our male counterparts that has maybe bummed us out, just a little bit. Nope.

If You Thought The Washing Machine Was Bad…

It’s the washing machine…and the Pill.

The Pill, this guy opines in Breitbart while having absolutely no basis for opining, has made us promiscuous. And fat. Also, it causes cellulite. The Pill is so bad that any man in a decent relationship should just take charge of their little women and flush those nasty old birth control pills down the toilet.

Yes. Again. Still not The Onion. Still from that conservative bastion of publication that is the unofficial media arm of the Trump campaign.

And if we women didn’t have enough to make us sad, what with these infernal washing machines that make our lives too easy, and the Pill, which has left us with achingly empty wombs and turned us into fat sluts, we have other women making fun of our God-designed roles, shaming us away from what we actually desire.

“The role of the housewife has been thoroughly and ritually humiliated by successive waves of feminism — as if raising well-adjusted children, keeping a beautiful home and marrying a loving husband is worthy of derision and ridicule.”

Wait – There’s More

I know. Your tiny little woman brain is just churning, but this man gently explains that it’s only because men can’t have children that we should, or something, and he means no offense! I mean, if you do take offense, you are probably just hormonal, anyhow, I bet.

No offense! I mean, sure, if men could bear children we’d have the process streamlined and pain-free by now, but for now, women are the only gender capable of bringing another life into existence. That is a genuinely beautiful thing that should be respected and celebrated, not looked down upon by menopausal, droopy-eyed office drones who spend their nights at home with a wine bottle, wondering where the stench of cat piss is coming from. (It’s coming from them.)

I’m Gonna Stop You Right There, Breitbart

Let me stop this guy right there. Actually, someone – like his mama – should have stopped him years ago.

I am a stay-at-home mom and wife. I fix breakfast for my family every day, and I pack their lunches. And they come home to a hot dinner, folded laundry, and a clean home. I’m like a complete and total Betty Crocker. Not even kidding, guys. I even have a floral apron and I wear it without irony.

But I am also a huge liberal and a fierce feminist. I have a fancy college degree I earned with my tiny little woman brain while working two jobs. But never once, not one single time, have I been derided for my choice to stay at home. Not ever. Not even a little bit. Not even by the most feminist, most liberal of my feminist liberal friends.

My husband, who mows the lawn and takes out the garbage and works 60 hours a week to take care of us, is also a huge feminist. He does those things not so that I have to stay at home, but so I can.

Here’s What Feminism Really Looks Like, Breitbart

That’s feminism. Having the choice to do either. Or neither. Or all of it. Or none of it. Feminism is the freedom of all of that, and it’s not freedom that has made women unhappy.

It’s guys like this telling us what makes us unhappy that makes us unhappy. That, and economic inequality. Oh, and politicians spending more time trying to legislate our bodies instead of addressing actual issues. And also being told we are aggressive when we are leaders. And also being told we “do whatever sport like a man” when we are athletic, and being referred to as the “male” insert-some-expert-in-our-field-here when we are successful.

RELATED: 5 Ways Republicans Are Still Waging A War On Women

This guy just needs to shut up.

And let me know when they invent a machine that actually collects the dirty clothes from underneath beds and the corners of bathrooms and then folds it and puts it away, and I’ll let you know whether or not I have too much time on my tiny little lady hands.

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